The Zhangs in Cali ep9. Here We Go Again.

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Holy shie that was a lot that has happened!! Today is Jan. 9th 1am, and I have never expected this, but it’s almost the first time I felt that pure sake tastes really nice, and I am drinking for the flavor rather than only chasing the feeling.

Chasing

But what's wrong with chasing the dragon? I have this issue that every time I experience something thrilled I look at it in a third-person narrative. But I am not writing some documentaries. Why can I just be in the moment in my own voice? I remember it was a time I was heading to New York, 10/18, maybe? I took a gummy on the train, and I said I was in some -1 person narrative. The so-called jumping out of the narrative. I found it hard to describe the experience, but I had a huge surge of empathy to so many past instances, clauses, and analogies. It was an illuminating experience. Don't do drugs.

I have been in LA with the Frog for 3 weeks and, to be honest, just numbing myself with Emily in Paris and random ass movies and shows. I give up. All the tension regarding future planning. Never have I ever been this locked out. So drained and tired. Wait, it is 2026 already? Sometimes I look back at memories, and I realize this incredible amount of information I have obtained. Mostly about the Music and CS. Wait, my major?? Wow, I guess I be profening for real.

One thing - I started being so cynical towards things.

A lot of times, when Froggie raises socio-economic-political topics, I started being cynical and thinking - what’s the point.

What is the point? I always carry a negative connotation with Nihilistic thoughts. The censorships and being a secondary citizen in a foreign land has numbed me. But he made me think about problems that I often take for granted. Sometimes I think of my middle school Chinese and AP Lang classes. Loads of things that did not make sense started to make sense now. Meanwhile, I think about the folklore about Socrates when Socrates just annoys the shit out of people but he keeps on asking (trolling? lolol) people anyways. I am not saying Froggie is annoying. I’m sure you know what I mean.

Also, I started sleeping and waking up so late because I want to dodge time.

Erin

Such a fucking messed-up night. Like how did one thing just lead to another. It’s so fucking funny, and just like she said, that night is special — before everyone moved in, before neither of us settled down. A night we can just crawl in the dorm hallway.

The crawling stuff and all the cigarettes. Lol, I swear I have the urges coming back to me, but why so serious? UCLA dorm is cool! So so so cool! Also, the number of kids getting pregame or postgame meals at In-N-Out is insane. And that cop over there — he is always there. So fucking funny. You know what I am thinking about right now? The fucking Catcher in the Rye, just because I swear so much.

I am running out of the energy to write 流水账-style things anymore. I hope I remember them. Also, I give less shit about tracklists. 12/12 Lorenzo’s experience was pretty good. I like that. I just hope people can keep their hands to themselves in the fucking club. I swear to fucking god.

Running out of the sake, and I think I am sobering up?! I hate that I sober up so quickly.

The walk in drizzles when Froggie and I tried to catch the morning bus. We lost our lily-pad umbrella, but we caught the bus. Those minutes before the bus arrived, where I believe I was totally in the present, where both of us were so tender. Sometimes I hope those moments stay forever.

I’m scared pretty often, I think, but. But what? Later!

None of this possibly makes sense (edited on 1/26) because I am tipsy. Hold on hold on hold on. I can still do calculus right now.

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Published 09 Jan 2026