Hot Grill ep1. C₁₀H₁₄N₂ -- 1.0.

Check My Final Week Struggles:

Check My Cali Stories:

Main Plot Goes Here:

Finished this piece a while ago, but took me a moment to post it here.

Lots of Mint, High School

I started using nic in my 10th grade, but that was an instant impulsion that died quickly within a week because I never took a proper hit, so I never felt the nic rush. I thought nic just does not work on me. It was funny as I literally had the vape in my pencil case for 2 years, but NEVER used it, and NOBODY found out, even when my friends or teachers dug through my pencil case for a casual borrow. It was not until 12th grade that I dumped that sinful thing into the trash can outside of my tennis club.

But I still remember inhaling a vape for the first time in 2019. My ex said, “Just try it,” so I just tried it. I didn’t feel anything. Just the minty flavor and a misty breath. Similar with the cigarettes. He lit up one for me, and I couldn’t continue because I hated the smell of tobacco, even if it was diluted with flavor blasts.

I tried to convince him to quit smoking, for me, maybe? He said sure, just give him a few days.

We broke up after a month. The last time I saw him two years ago, he was still a smoker.

I could not locate an exact date for my second short rush to the nic club. I know it was in 11th grade. Was I under a lot of stress? Did not touch a vape. Just another cigarette because I started talking to this ex again, and I wanted to “just try it” again. I lit up a cigarette in the bathroom of my tennis club, a different one. Somebody just happened to leave a pack and a lighter beside the sink. It was also kind of minty. It was a thin cig, and I didn’t finish it because I don’t wanna look like I have constipation by occupying that bathroom for 10 minutes.

My ex and I gradually drifted apart, and so did me and nic. I finished high school being 100% sober. This was probably the last time I handled school and tennis without any chemicals.

Put Me To Bed, Brandeis

After about a year of nic-free life, I came to Brandeis.

I picked up vaping again, thanks to my other ex (let’s call him MH), and dumped my collection at the Japan airport 5 months later because it did not pass the security check, and my dad was 10 meters away. MH was mad because he gave some of them to me. He said they don’t cost little, and one of them is labeled as a “limited edition.”

Tracing back to how I piled up vapes for the third time like a raccoon — it was that Freshman winter holiday.

I specifically remembered that brand and flavor. Elf Bar, clear. Usen Hall 305. The bed on the left. My first “serious” inhale — I finally let it pass my lungs — I thought I was dying. I was a bit nauseous, and my head was sinking into my pillow. I thought I was passing out, as I could hear my heart bumping against my chest. Tik and tok. I was scared it might come out, but I could not say anything because the world was spinning, and my tongue felt numb.

And that was just one inhale. The one inhale that connected me with nic. The one inhale that forever changed whatever chemical reactions in my brain, and gave me a surge of dopamine so easy and accessible that I pursued it like a desert traveller chugging water.

Writing about it now makes me really sad, because I am trying to quit, which I will talk about later. I could never retrieve that surge of dizziness again. Never.

I would not identify myself as a user at that time though, because I don’t have the cravings during the day. Only before I go to bed, I would take 2-3 hits, and those 2-3 hits would be more than enough to punch my fragile brain for a short time-out. Remember? I dumped all my collections at the Japan airport later that summer, so my nic journey again went into a dead end.

Late Nights and Alone, Brandeis

I picked up vaping again in Sophomore year through a Chinese online dispenser I dug through Instagram. It was a brand called “Cool Bear” or something. The production was sus, because it gave me loads of congestion, which never happened when I used Relx or Elf Bar.

Chilling with the shaggy quality, I became a real user. I started having regular patterns. First, it was just a couple of minutes before I go to bed. I code with it, and I watch Ginny & Georgia with it. Then, a couple of minutes turned into a couple of 30 minutes, and before I realized, I would have to take a hit before I go to class in the afternoon, and I would have to carry it with me when I left my room in the morning. What was going on.

I knew exactly what was going on. I was stuck in a toxic situationship with another guy after I stopped talking to MH that fall. Let’s spare the details: I was scared and insecure that I would rely on him all the time - so scared that I chose to rely on a substance. Even a substance made me feel safer, because I know that a substance can never betray me.

I know my vapes will never betray me. My most loyal companion.

It was a lot of back and forth having painful moments with this guy, and back and forth switching to patches and gums and switching back. I guess I will have to provide some context now. This guy insisted that he would only go into a serious relationship with me after I quit vaping. He said I was “perfect” — all “perfect” except the vaping.

I was so mad, but I did not dare to be mad at him and yell in his face because I did not want to lose him. What is all this bullshit. I was so mad. So mad that as I am typing this at 1:05 am in Cali now, I am still mad af. What is this statement?! What THE FUCK is this statement?! You probably won’t get it because you are not “addicted” to something. But for me, I thought I was chilling with vapes, having the freedom to dispose them at my will. Now I feel like I would absolutely continue with my nic addiction to prove that I won’t surrender to some men.

I asked him, What will you do if I can't quit vaping. He said with some nonchalance that he will not leave me right away, but he will like me “less and less,” because he cannot stand someone who is tied up to something. He has seen his friends turning the house upside down looking for a vape. He does not want me to be the same.

This manipulating bi*ch.

No excuses for justifying addictions, but he just dropped a condition on my worth, as if I were not worthy of commitment before being “fixed.” Fine, I was not good enough for a relationship - but then why keep having sex with me? What was I to you, a hook-up? A sex toy? I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I hate being threatened by some young man who said he "loved" me but was scared to hold my hand in public, and I hated myself even more for being a pushover.

I am not a junky.

I guess the toxic substance I was addicted to not only includes nicotine but also the situationship with this guy.

I wanna be free of reliance and betrayal, but he just locked me down once more. It was distorted, but vaping felt like one of the only things I could control in my life, and he was taking it away from me.

I realize that I must (and have already) mention more context to polish my nic story now. I will. Soon.

Check How I Grill Myself:

Hot Grill ep2. C₁₀H₁₄N₂ -- 2.0.

Hot Grill ep3. C₁₀H₁₄N₂ -- 3.0.

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Published 20 May 2025