Hot Grill ep2. C₁₀H₁₄N₂ -- 2.0.

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Finished this piece a while ago, but took me a moment to post it here.

Nic Free Summer

Sophomore year was a blast, maybe not as busy compared to junior year, but definitely more chaotic. I stopped talking to that guy and started rekindling some conversations with my ex, MH (recap of details).

I quitted vaping for 80% of the summer. I am tired of losing my focus and self-control and surrendering to some artificial flavors that make me dizzy.

I thought I won. I forgot about that 20%.

Not that Free

I went to MH’s city for an 18+ J5 ITF tournament. Lost the qualifying round in three sets. The next thing I know, I was smoking in the hotel room with a glass of Bourbon in my hand, falling asleep watching the Olympics with MH.

It was a vibe. Hanging out with someone I trusted and relied on.

No joke I was being a bitch, because I needed someone to fall back on after stopped talking to that guy. My reason was, “I was being the bigger person, saving our friendship.” MH's reason was “we were just chilling and providing each other with emotional support.” I think we both believed in this bullshit.

I started breathing in and out heavily on this small electric tube again. It was like getting in touch with an old friend.

A Lot of Things Came Back

And then there was the start of my third year. So much was going on — classes were harder, tennis was tougher, and my only vape died, and I was 6 months away from being 21.

I kept hitting that dead vape, sucking out only some mint-flavored air. The mouthpiece became yellow with nic juice, and I just wiped it off and kept hitting it.

There is no nic in it right? So I am cutting off.

I was such a stupid dumbass.

That guy texted me on a random night… I was yapping with Isabelle till midnight, and my phone rang. I know there is only one person who can bypass my silent mode, and I did not have enought guts to block him.

It was just some lame excuses for him to start over again, and I let him. We had a 3-hour conversation on the ziv staircase till 4 am. I didn't even know what we were talking about. I was just staring at his fluffy hair and brown eyes, thinking about how much I missed him and how much he might have missed me.

When he "casually" touched my knee, my world almost stopped.

He said he should leave, and he did. I went back to my room and took a big hit. I was buying lottery on how much nic was left in that vape, and how much of the void nic juice was killing my health.

A Lot of Things Left, Except Nic

That guy came back, but something never changed. In sum, it just did not work out. I blame him deeply, and it was very biased and personal.

I was no saint either. I was in a situationship with that guy but still talking to MH almost every day. Is it immoral to have a male best friend who happened to be your ex? There is a thin line, and I knew the answer. I could not stand being a bitch so I cut MH off. This time for real. I blocked him on every social media platform. I know that this is for the best, and I am not that innocent, insecure freshman anymore.

Later, I officially ended everything with that guy too, because I could not tolerate it any longer — I could not tolerate me being a pus*y and asking for more self-damage. Almost all my friends told me to think twice when I was with him, and I really should stop acting deaf.

Blocking and everything. Sure.

Now it is just me and my new vapes. Still under 21, but I got them because one can always get them with this amount of desire. I thought I was smart, and I was finally free.

Just the start of a slipping hill.

Playing Damsel In Distress

Now, not only vapes but also have I started using pen and edibles. More smoking, less eddy, because eddy gives me the worst hangover headache.

I treated them as painkillers.

I don’t know how my body was built. Maybe I have a higher tolerance. I could never get to the high that my friends told me. A girl once told me that “the cars are moving in the sky.” What the fuck does that even mean. My highest high would be just falling asleep with my consciousness dozing off. There was one time that I thought the reflection in my mirror started dancing. It scared the sh*t out of me, and that was when I knew I should consider adopting some moderation.

But everything was off. Everything. I was functioning like a half-charged robot out of insurance. I don’t know if it was because college was overwhelming or just nicotine and weed. The most reasonable explanation would be a combination of both, and this hell of a combo smashed me like how you smash a cockroach with a slipper.

I was looking forward to every party just so I could get drunk. So drunk that I finally don’t have to plan out and polish every detail in my life, whether if it is losing a match with a couple of match points, or realizing that without AI, I would spend hours debugging my CS homework without any real progress. Harry Mairson was right. I intoxicate my learning curve by chatGPT. Dame chatGPT.

Fortunately, I started DJing, and luckily, my last remaining bit of sobriety ensures that I would not drink a single drop when I am in front of a deck. That was a lesson learned at Ethan’s party. DJing is an outlet of mine that I could not dare mess up. But every time I came back home after an event, I ended up drowning in the hollowness of the afterparty, and I would vape crazily, trying to escape the dopamine pitfall, but only to embrace my old pal, insomnia, haunting me at 4 am.

Don’t save me, I don’t wanna be saved. You got it J.Cole!

Check How I Grill Myself:

Hot Grill ep1. C₁₀H₁₄N₂ -- 1.0.

Hot Grill ep3. C₁₀H₁₄N₂ -- 3.0.
Next Episode^^^

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Published 21 May 2025