Main Plot Starts Here
I’ve been planning to write this for a long time. I even have the starting lines planned out already. I was just always a coward to put it into action. All words and no action. Of course it’s like that. It has always been like that.
Tennis
I have a confession to make. I always say I hate tennis. BWT is really the least of my concerns right now. Practically, it really is, and it should be. The truth is, I have been in love with tennis and will always love tennis. I care about it so much that the moment I realized so much of my level is playing mid-tier in a DIII college, I was heartbroken into shatters. I didn’t properly train all summer, but I have my rackets and shoes all packed up inside my wardrobe. I just couldn’t live without them, even if I was not going to use them anyway. I need them by my side to remind me that I loved tennis once.
I will only keep saying I don’t give a single fuck, because the moment I start verbally committing to this relationship, I will be spiraling again, and I hate seeing myself getting dragged into those thoughts again. I will never play back into the top 3 again. I will never get to qualify for the NCAA. I will never..
Saying that is really breaking my heart, and I know it is true because I can no longer put in that much effort into this sport. My parents have poured enough money into training and gear, and I always wonder when I will be able to pay them back. The guilt is beating me up, and I don’t want to invest in this anymore.
I am just really tired of putting in extra effort and seeing it go to no results. Everybody is born with a threshold, and I think I have honestly reached mine with tennis. Talking is talking, but I think people need to be self-aware so that expectations won’t hurt them.
Am I really a competitor? I believe that if I want to, I can play higher. But I don’t want to devote myself to this sport anymore. I love tennis. I love being athletic. I just don’t love it as much anymore. I have drunk enough alcohol to know I shouldn’t be investing in tennis anymore.
Code
I suck at Coding. I know I suck, and I will save the self-hype things. I’ve seen others who are smarter who have the persistence to work way harder than I do. Truth is, I don’t know what I am working for and why I am working. I don’t stand a chance in the competitive CS market in China, and the reality always slaps me in the face. I don’t like that I think about things outside of my control too much and take no action. My head is always aching with sleep deprivation, and I seem to lose my mind often. I don’t have imposter syndrome because I am the imposter.
A million things to do, zero in action. I just don’t feel like being around people I know because I keep feeling the air, the sound, and everything around. I’d rather be among a bunch of strangers or by myself because I don’t want to react to the slightest change in others anymore. I believe that real growth always happens when a person is alone and undistracted. I really can’t change how sensitive I am, so change my surroundings I guess. It’s not my friends, it’s me. When I say this bullshit line, it really is not bullshitting.
Addictions
I have an addictive personality. I get addicted to things easily. Can’t believe I used to think it was cool. It is just dumb. I am never free. All the substances, tennis, recognition, score, everything. I got obsessed with an evaluation and started worrying about external validations. Do I really need everyone to like me? Everything feels like a show, and I am never relaxed, even if there is one single person I know around. Crazy stuff.
My attention span is short af. What is the human mind? Constantly looking for stimulation and constantly in fear. Isn’t DJing like that as well. It is the splash of frequencies blended with a million other stimulants. Deep down, I guess I really couldn’t care less. Just an animal.
Btw, listening to the Dollapalooza in Vermont @ ITA day 2 (I made it to day 3 - can you even believe it?) is making me want to cry. It was all the effort just for the shows. Opening with F1 is insane, although I was high through the whole movie and slept through an hour :)
Today is Sep 29th. Happy birthday Mom.
Check How I Grill Myself:
Hot Grill ep1. C₁₀H₁₄N₂ -- 1.0.🫡🫡🫡
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