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Senior @ Deis. ep10. A Zhang in Cali
Main Plot Starts Here
Just a trauma dumping rant post.
I think it is pretty important for my mental health.
I know I have done way too little to qualify for saying “I have tried everything.” But since this is my blog and my space, I don’t think I need anything to justify myself. Get out of here!
Count how many fuck did I say
Had another recruiter call this morning. OF COURSE the visa sponsorship is going to come into the issue. I don’t even know why I got my hopes up again.
Got rejected from Duolingo and Canonical. Stupid aptitude test. Wasted my 7 hours writing essays and testing my fucking intelligence. Get the fuck out. But who am I to say that. If I don’t do it, there are hundreds of brilliant students with a fucking 4.0 who are willing to do it. Oh my god. You are such a unique, beautiful snowflake. Every company that rejects you missed a gem. Just shut the fuck up and go the fuck back to school. You weak, whining fuck.
Yesterday I saw the email right after practice when I played ok and was in such a good mood, surrounded by 5 jolly girls. My lovely teammates. I don’t even want to look at a human face.
I sat right outside the locker room, and tears came down for no reason. For the first time in forever, I thought the job was easy and low-paid, and I am literally SO QUALIFIED. THERE ISN’T EVEN CODING REQUIRED. I proofread my submission with my professor and some SDET at Apple, and here it is. Autorejection email in my face.
I never get anything. How would I ever get ANYTHING. NOTHING. Always NOTHING. ALWAYS NOTHING.
Maybe it is only because I slept way too little that I got noticeably paranoid. I spent weeks trying to get myself together, and yet I feel so weak. I am just so weak. Why not sleep a bit earlier? A dog’s attention span is longer than yours. You don’t want to win. You don’t want to try, so what the fuck do you need, brother. Pamperred crybaby, just fucking go to bed.
Every fucking thing I do, either I judge myself, or somebody judges me. So many voices in my head. You’re so smart huh? Shovel your smart overthinking ass out of my head. Please please please. If you don’t want to try, there are bunch of people who are willing to try, day to night, 24-7. If you are not a machine, there are loads of other people who are. Oh, my, god. Save your lame-ass ego and go back to China. I don’t even know what you’re mad about. Everyone has been struggling for months, and everyone is in pain. Not just you princess. Not just you. You are so-fucking-weak. And yet you think you are tough. Are you though? You can’t even compete with small-town testacers. Just a goof who can’t do ANYTHING on your own. ANYTHING. When I say ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING. Just stop already.
You just came into class, as if you know what is going on anyway. You just can’t be stupid and not hardworking. You just can’t afford to do that, sister. You just can’t.
Next up:
Senior @ Deis. ep12. Flashback
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