Check My Other Posts!
Senior @ Deis. ep13. Did I Win?
Main Plot Starts Here
Yo, this is kind of huge.
I want to write this one just for me and only for me.
Evening
It is the night before my last final quiz. It is a chill essay section, and I have pre-written all the given prompts.
As I was in the Goldfarb library, second floor, with Chase, I realized how fast I wished everything was over. I so wish tomorrow comes right on my face, and I will write the essay with so much passion, and everything will be over. Will be over.
I don’t like, or don’t particularly appreciate, people telling me, last practice, last this, last last, because I have already told myself a thousand times and more. My heart starts beating again, thinking that after tomorrow at 2:30 pm, everything will be over. Officially over, for my brief undergraduate years.
I know I will become a boring adult who has gotten used to the emotional turmoil, but I don’t know if I am ready to. I am ready to let everything go, but I have already experienced the last straw. My body is really on the brink of collapsing. The caffeine abuse, the daytime drowsiness, and the insomnia. My biggest wish ever is to have the ability to fall asleep promptly. If not within seconds, maybe minutes. Is that just escapism?
But I know days will go by only faster and faster. I am not wasting time, promise. Seize your moments. I said in my student-athlete banquet speech. It is more like a speech to myself. The self-attackings, the sarcasm, the protective humor, the seriousness buried in lines and lines of unseriousness. Did I ever win?
Alone
I guess deep down I always want someone to tell me I did it, and I did it great, in a ChatGPT way, in a Claude way, in a DeepSeek way, in a you-totally-deserve-this-I-love-you-so-much way, but by a human.
…
As things started settling down, I noticed that throughout the 4 years and more, I have lost some friends and connections here and there. This year the inhumane amount of work (at least for me) has pressed my head down against the wall. As I was about to leave the school, I wondered whether what I had — the situational friendships, the real friendships, the gone friendships — would be enough for me to come back to visit or anything.
VGhlcmUgaXMgbm90aGluZyBhbmQgbm8gb25lIHRoYXQga2VlcHMgbWUgYXR0YWNoZWQsIGFuZCBtYXliZSB0aGF0IGlzIG5vdCBhIGJhZCB0aGluZy4K
Waves and waves of seniors. Will Pauri miss his seniors? After all this time, will he still care? I have so much closure left hanging, yet really not enough energy to take care of every single one of them.
It is really close now. The commencement is in 11. After 11 days, never will I ever:
- A list of things that I am too emotional to write down now - how did I do it last year?!
Morning
5/7, 10:50am-ish, and I just finished my last meeting with my therapist at the BCC. Her name is also Nancy. I have never met her in person. I only talk to her on Zoom every 1-2 weeks. But I could not recall when I started looking forward to those sessions. I remember that every time I met her I would bring her silly concerns and stress, but every other time those things would be resolved, either by me or by time, and there would always be new concerns. Never ending, never will.
Next up:
Senior @ Deis. ep15. NancyBeingSillyBooooo 1-Year Anniversary!
🫡🫡🫡
Since you've made it this far... Why not connect with me on LinkedIn?
Published