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Senior @ Deis. ep4. 微博
Main Plot Starts Here
I can’t focus at all, whether it is going through lectures or scrolling across Instagram. I hate it. I blame it on sleeping too late and the decreasing daylight. I believe humans are breakable in that the slightest chemical change in our fragile brain can mess with us. Why are we designed this way.
No Title
I crave human contact and I believe that is a sign of weakness. What is there to feel and why the fuck do I feel that much. In Vampire Diaries, flipping the switch seems like a deadly move, and giving up humanity seems like a last-resort sin. But why. Humans are intrinsically lazy, unmotivated, comfort-seeking, dopamine-rushing, and selfish. Us overcoming those qualities are often praised, so why not just turn everybody into a bot then. Plant some chips, edit some genes. Boom and everything is suddenly perfect. Everything is suddenly so organized. No more drug use and no more corruption. Let the pigeons sing a hymn of peace and we will all start reproducing like there is no tomorrow.
So is the fight to be unhuman praisable, or is the unhumanity itself the ultimate goal?? I say it’s the fight. We are born to be so reckless and defective to the bones yet we still operate upon fear and unsteadiness. It’s the courage to acknowledge the uncertainty yet still keep going that makes us human. I want to be a good human, but the man part is killing me. I am weak, addicted to pleasure, eating on chaos, and performing for validation. My friend told me that genZ is exposed to more stimulation than every other generation, and thus genZ's preference for loneliness. Why the care and why the trouble. Why the addition and why the drama. Why do philosophers commit suicide. Why do the people seeking the source of truth not withholding the trials. Why so serious??
No Title 2.0
I never understood alcoholism and the misuse of substances before college. Until the night after Colby, where hell-knows-how-many-cans of twisted sent me home.
After months, I often think of that night where year-long suppression eventually led to an alc-fest. It tastes so good, but it won’t be better without the wait.
I am learning CS now and the dichotomy is screaming. From the perspective of some AI degenerates (uh, me?), in order to understand a computer, we are supposed to think like a computer. At a very high level, humans design computers for repetitive tasks for high speed and accuracy. Computers are all but anti-human. Logic-prone and emotionless. So you are saying, to increase efficiency, we must stop being human??
I often found myself the most productive when I was being thoughtless. That set I played against that Armherst girl -- it was my birthday last year and I was hitting swinging volleys, god dame. That ITA final where I got raped 0:6 in half an hour — somehow I just came back and I have no clue what I was thinking. I hope I can be more fact-based and thoughtless. You know. Tech-house is giving me the best of both worlds. It overstimulates me to a point where I am not feeling anything anymore.
The more I think, the more I dislike myself for thinking because why not just do something, hello? But still it’s a non-stopping trend. If I think, I get stuck. If I write, I start gagging at what I think. I don’t like corporations. I don’t like people being pretentious. I don’t like whatever protocols the world wants me to follow. It’s so fake. Just so intolerable. I used to put so much meaning into assignments and grades but like, now I am at the opposite end where I just think why?? Why am I here. I got too comfortable in this area, but why struggle to make myself uncomfortable? Why are the rules so pretentious?
I don’t want to go back to Shanghai. That really smells like a failure to me. Go back home! Cuz I didn’t make it. I would be ASHAMED. 4 years ago I said in front of my dad and all relatives whose faces I don’t recognize: I want to go back home because I love China! Oh my. I want to contribute to my motherland. The gentleman on my left said, Are you sure though? You don’t have to say it for our sake. How do you feel? What are your opinions on this?
I wasn't looking at him because I was so convinced that I will come back. 4 years later...
Next up:
Senior @ Deis. ep6. 什么样的人
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