Check My Other Posts!
Senior @ Deis. ep7. Ego
Main Plot Starts Here
I know I should be writing SoP, leetcoding, and applying rn, but I just cannot.
Insomnia
I arrived in Phoenix yesterday. It was the same Thanksgiving group as 2 and 3 years ago. The only difference is that everyone except Bob has found a significant other. Pull up Bob! :P
I honestly am close to burnout. Not because of how hard I work, but because my sleep schedule is totally fucked up. I would be exhausted by 11 pm, managed to pull through for another 1-2 hours, and have my eyes open till 4-5 am, no matter what time zone I am in. I tried to work out a bit or be active during the day, but still, I couldn’t sleep. That is my worst fear coming true.
I think the Meta rejection is good for me in that I can stop fantasizing and have my fundamentals built. But I could not let go of the frustration. I want to stay here. Grad school, maybe?
But to be honest, I am really stressed out. I don’t know who I am. Outside of Brandeis and the team, I don’t really have any roots here, and that’s why I don’t care that much about the political dynamics here — it’s not my home.
For the first time in a long while, I feel so lonely here. Yes I have my sister, a frog, a bunny, and many nice sweet friends. But it’s not my home here. Maybe I will be desperate to go home after graduation, but so far, I want to stay in the States and try to build a life by myself through the H1B portal.
But I am so unconfident regarding my CS skills. I hate it. These things don’t come naturally to me. I kept thinking about why I chose this major. Initially, it was really to impress my parents and have some money. I never imagined myself actually pulling this through. I could NOT stop comparing.
I was honestly fine. It’s just the ridiculous sleep schedule and another rejection (I thought I had it) that shattered me. I was in the blue McDonald’s in Arizona, and I saw another 2 rejections. Man!
I don’t love tennis the same way anymore. I kept saying that, but it was like losing a limb for me. I am so tired of having my hopes up. If I stay negative, at least the outcomes are predictable!
In June, in Olivia, I was lying beside a frog, and he said - You should come to Meta. 2 Meta engineers? Imagine how much we could have made. Maybe we can buy an apartment in NY. I thought I was close! I will keep trying anyways.
:)
And that internship in Hong Kong. 6 months off school? I don’t want to graduate late and be a super senior. I just want to finish up everything and leave. But hey I haven’t even passed the tech rounds yet. That was 16 years of education, but I am so exhausted. The 3 more months of tennis? Please. I miss the competitions, and I know it, but I really don’t know if I can pull those team shenanigans through. Those matches hurt me so badly. The mere thought of being benched or being on the brink of lineups is making me shiver. I am so sick of taking everything so seriously and performing. I am so sick of it. But I always dream of the senior day and being on the poster. I waited 4 years for that. More than a thousand days. If you were to tell me I would quit the team in my final semester 3 years ago, I would think you are the most bullshitting bullshitter, but here I am. I never said a formal goodbye to tennis, but I am so tired. I don’t love tennis the way I used to.
It’s the feeling of when you pour your everything into something only to realize that there’s only so much you can achieve. Maybe it’s the by-product of tennis, but now I feel repulsive to frequent workouts in general. I used to think about staying fit religiously, like it’s my P0. I should always be ready for a 3-hour match. I was so focused that I forgot to look at everything else in life. But now I really see what I was missing.
I couldn’t sleep.
Fine. Who are you fooling. You still love tennis. You just keep saying you stop loving it because you realize you cannot be a top competitor for it. You are afraid to say you like CS because you always use ChatGPT and cheat! You cheated your way to a 3.8 GPA, and now you realize that you cannot cheat your way through the ATS and the interviewers. Now I even hate AI as well. People chew on the things that others have chewed. I hate it. When is the giant bubble going to break?
I do feel so much better after typing those down. Sometimes I think of the moment when I refreshed into the “Thank You For Your Interest in Meta,” and I read the blog I wrote after the initial screen again, where the “Next Steps” at the Meta office feels like a fairy tale, and my heart beats one pace faster for a bit. I have never gotten so many rejections before college. My way up to Brandeis was always a one-shot victory. I know it’s a good phase for me to grow. You gotta always thank the process, right?
Like all the good things are happening and I shouldn’t ignore them. Like I think I just fell in love with a frog.
Next up:
Senior @ Deis. ep9. The Last Week
🫡🫡🫡
Since you've made it this far... Why not connect with me on LinkedIn?
Published